Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
