I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
