Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I need a beard to bite.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
