I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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