i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need a beard to bite.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
