2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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