i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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