the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
