Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
