am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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