he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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