i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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