I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
