Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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