I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
