When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
