i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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