We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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