so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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