I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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