i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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