Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
the liver wants what the liver wants
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
