we have pet lesbian snakes
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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