I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
