I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
