Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
