Welp...herpes.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
