I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
