you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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