Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
