Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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