hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
