I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
