Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
