I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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