Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
