not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
