I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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