hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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