I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
