she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
