New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
