There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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