Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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