Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
