Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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