this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
