you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
