I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
