drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
