i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
