When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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